The following transcript was found in the rubble of a suburban home on Long Island. Authorities have not been able to fully piece together exactly what transpired in this home. We here at Mess In Around, feel this is the diary of a man slowly going insane. We feel it is necessary to warn you, the following transcript should not be read to children because they will use it against you.
Daddy’s Log, Day 1: 8:07pm. The girl is watching TV and behaving herself, she might be planning something. The boy is making fart noises with his mouth and giving me dirty looks, he wants his Momma, which he has repeated to me 713 times. The Kindle is dead and there are 23 minutes until bedtime.
Daddy’s Log, Day 1, 8:11PM. The boy’s fart noises have transformed into moans for Momma, starts off low… mmmmMMMMMomma. Still no noise from the girl, she might have fell asleep, but I doubt it. Please tell my Mom I love her.
Daddy’s Log, Day 1, 8:16PM. The girl approaches me and tells me its still light out and she needs to tell a neighbor something. She predicts the upcoming bedtime and the 1st attempt at stalling has begun. She walks away pouting and the boy is now looking out the window for Momma who is not coming home until Wednesday. I think he has a knife. 16 minutes to bedtime.
Daddys Log, Day 1: 8:26pm. I got an I Love you, Daddy followed by when is Mommy going to be home. The boy seems agitated. He is on to me. 4 minutes to bedtime
Daddys Log, Day 1, 9:14PM. Kids are down, but not out, they are planning my demise. A poorly timed call by Momma, woke the boy and the girl is apparently thirsty, even though it will sit untouched next to her bed. Daddy is thirsty and will be drinking soon. 44 minutes past bedtime.
Daddy’s Log Day 2, 9:20AM. The boy wakes at 4:15am saying he is thirsty. I get him a drink and fall down over his walker. 4:18AM, he starts banging on wall, slow and methodical. It increases and I bolt from my bed to yell at him. Waking the girl, she let’s out a groan and a fart. I grab the boy and knowing I need my sleep, I carry him by the shirt to my bed and tell him to not make a sound and go the hell to sleep. I am told briskly I am a “bad guy” I agree and try to fall asleep to no avail. Daylight comes and we oversleep. Rushing the girl to the bus, we barely make it. I look into my bedroom and he is asleep. I scream at the top of my lungs WAKE UP JOEY!!! I laugh and walk in the kitchen to make my coffee. 11 hours and 6 minutes until bedtime.
Daddy’s Log, Day 2, 10:32AM. After a hearty breakfast for the boy, an hour ago, he claims he is starving and wants lunch. I did notice a slight drop in supplies, I am out of iced coffee and the Keurig is looking at me like a crack head looks at a vial. Upon my refusal for an early lunch, little Norman Bates wants his Momma and is letting me know it and he doesn’t want me to watch him anymore. The girl gets off the bus in 2 hours then I am sure the two factions will side against me and this might be my last post if I don’t survive. Might have to go on a scouting excursion to get lunch. Hiding in my room folding laundry and I hear Paw Patrol and a laughing little demon. Safe for now. 9 hours, 58 minutes until bedtime.
Daddy’s Log, Day 2, 11:50AM. The girl will be home soon hopefully I can gain an ally and defeat the boy. He has begun whistling like Negan’s gang. I am really afraid. He sees me typing and is giving me the Deniro stare. He is hungry and letting me know it. No lunch until the girl gets home. I hope she had a good day or else its lights out for Daddy. 9 hours 40 minutes to bedtime.
Daddy’s Log, Day 2, 2:48pm. Success. The girl came home and immediately became an ally, evoking Messina law 4.6, Section 2. “I will always be a Daddy’s girl.” Our scouting mission resulted in smoothies and wraps. We even picked up a bonus pretzel and corn dog. Upon return to the fort, a nap was attempted for the boy and was a failure. A 2nd attempt was executed with some progress; results are still not final. The girl is distracted by a king’s ransom of Barbie dolls and I am hiding on the couch. 5 hours and 42 minutes until bedtime.
Daddy’s Log, Day 2, 6:40pm. The Boy asked for chicken nuggets and smiley face French fries for dinner. Not a problem, but he polished them off. We are officially at Defcon 4. Girl and I wanted Tacos for Taco Tuesday, I know the boy is going to want a taco. I might have enough for him. I might be able to trick him with dessert options. He is concerned that Mommy isn’t home and demands to know when she will be back. I can only stall for so long. The Girl has proven herself to be a valued ally. As I type the boy proclaims, I don’t want nuggets anymore which are cooked and the tacos are done. Decisions. It might be time to call for backup. 1 hour and 50 minutes until bedtime.
Daddy’s Log, Day 2, 7:51PM. Dinner a fiasco, but done. Showers done, but bathroom soaked. The boy is on my last nerve; the girl is following suit. 24 hours until the Mom comes home. Little Norman Bates will have his Norma back. Obstacles ahead. Sleeping thru the night, getting the girl’s hair publicly acceptable tomorrow, and then hours alone with little Napoleon. I am ahead on the house upkeep. Laundry check, dishes check, we’re out of iced coffee, so anyone want to drop off Dunkin Donuts for me, that is cool. No more nuggets or fries. We have ice cream, might be able to use it to bribe them and outside tribes. Preschool kids are circling my house. 39 minutes until bedtime.
Daddy’s Log, Day 2, 9:16PM. Bedtime is done. Both needed water, the boy needed music. So far so go…., wait, THE REMOTE IS MISSING. THE REMOTE IS GONE. THEY HID THE REMOTE. I CALL FOR TRIAL BY COMBAT!!
Daddy’s Log, Day 3, 8:56AM. At 1:12AM, the Boy woke crying, he was thirsty. I had water in his room and gave it to him and thinking ahead I closed the walker, so no injuries. Knowing his routine, I carried him into bed with me and slept soundly through the night. 7:45AM, this is where it gets strange. I wake and the Boy is sleeping, I hear the Girl rummaging around, thinking she is going to the bathroom. I hear more moving around and I get up, leaving the Boy to slumber. What I find can only be described as indescribable. Pod people. They are here and among us. I find the girl, dressed, hair done, teeth brushed, mouth washed and vitamins taken. We made the bus with no problem and the Boy is transfixed with Paw Patrol. I am not sure what is actually going on, but it is quiet. Too quiet. 10 hours, 55 minutes until Mommy comes home.
Daddy’s Log, Day 3, 9:27AM. Transcript of conversation with Joey. JOEY: Daddy, get your butt ready. ME: What?!? J: Get your butt ready, we’re having a butt party. M: What’s a butt party? J: I can’t tell you, its a surprise. M: Hysterical laughing, umm ok. J: stop laughing, you just dance at a butt party. M: Ahhh, ok.
Daddy’s Log, Day 3, 10:55am. The I want my Momma’s chant is happening again. I have begun to realize this is sort of a war cry. Usually precedes pouting and then an angry face. I having a feeling he is watching me very closely. I don’t like it. 9 hours and 5 minutes until Mommy comes home.
Daddy’s Log, Day 3, 3:16pm. The boy awoke from his nap asking for ice cream. I cannot argue with this logic. He is only 4, but he is wise beyond his years. Dishes done, her plants watered thanks to the constant reminders from the boy, laundry in the works, mail sorted and junk drawer cleaned out. Mommy is on schedule for arrival around 8pm. Team Alpha is a go! Girl home soon, must hide ice cream remnants. 4 hours and 44 minutes until Mommy comes home, an extra 30 until bedtime.
Daddy’s Log, Day 3, 5:19Pm. They are getting antsy, I think they know the Mom is hours away, she will be delayed much to my chagrin. Dinner is being made and I think they will accept it. Ha the little stinkers have no choice. I am starting to go a little stir crazy. Norman I mean Joey keeps staring out the window looking for his Momma. Little does he know she won’t be home in time for bedtime. Yay me. Our time together will be ending soon, I will keep you in my heart, please pray for me.3 hours 9 minutes until bedtime, 3 hours 39 minutes until Mommy is home.
Daddy’s Log, Day 3, 7:09pm. Mad dash by all to get this house clean for Mommy. Dishes done, laundry done, girl cleaning her room, boy cleaning the living room. Our time is short, thank you for being part of the journey. Older, wiser, greyer. It’s been a great and bumpy ride, but by golly we did it together. Our time is almost done, I love you all. Mommy’s ETA 7:45. Bedtime 8:30. I am so excited I could cry.
Daddy’s Log, Day 3, 7:59pm. MOMMY’S HOME. AAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHH MOMMY, MOMMY MA, MA, MA, MA, MOM MOM MOM, MOTHER, MOTHER, MOMMA.
She asked me how everything went and I just cried in the corner, rocking back and forth.. She looked at me and said, I have to go to Chicago for three days in July.