Top Ten Things You Do On Vacation…

…that you would never do in your normal life.  Let’s face it, this is a real thing.  We simply do some weird stuff when we are on vacation.  I am sure you can relate to some of these.

10. Eating Fudge.  I mean seriously, no matter where you vacation you are bound to walk past and then go back and walk inside a candy/chocolate/snack shop.  Everywhere!  Disney got em, New England towns, too.  You will be entranced by the smells and the wide assortment of sweet, smooth and succulent fudge!  Now, go look around your own town or city.  Go on, I will wait, I will be over here eating some fudge.  So, you looked around, right?  No fudge shops, huh.  NONE!  It’s insane, you cannot find these places in your hometown. After working all day and having dinner with the family, does anyone ever get a hankering for some yummy fudge. NO!  No one does, because these places are magical and don’t exist until you go on vacation.

9. The All You Can Eat Buffet. Step right up, grab a plate and within a half hour you have diabetes, are in a food coma and have eaten more in thirty minutes than a family of four in a third world country has eaten in a month.  When on vacation you have to eat, sure some places come with a kitchen and a simple trip to the supermarket will help save you money and probably provide a healthier alternative, but hey screw it we are on vacation and all we need is $14.99 a plate and some gluttony and you and the family are good to go.  The choices are endless.  Mac-N-Cheese? Yes.  Chinese Dumplings?  You betcha.  Salad Bar? Umm, no wasted calories.  Crab Legs?  You bet your sweet ass we got Crab Legs.  Not only do we go to these places on vacation but sometimes we go more than once.  Now think, when was the last time you went to one when you weren’t vacationing?  It’s impossible.  I don’t understand it.  Move onto dessert, you only have 57 choices of cake, cookies, jello and ice cream.  Oh yeah, there is a small plate of fruit in there somewhere.

Please Sir, I’d like some more.

 

8. That Odd Picture.  I blame the wife for this one.  Since we began dating, every time we went away she would make me pose in front of a mailbox or post office.  From  tiny New England towns, to Toronto, Canada and yes even the Vatican.  THE VATICAN.  Surrounded by priceless architecture and the Sistine Chapel, my loving wife on our honeymoon makes me pose in front of a tiny Vatican mailbox.  Is it just me?

7. Lie to Strangers About Your Profession.  Maybe it is just me because this is something I do.  Almost every single vacation. It’s not that I am ashamed of what I do.  Being a mailman is fun.  That’s what the brochure said.  The main reason I do this is because many of have been in the situation where you get bombarded with questions about you job.  The last thing I want to talk about when I am on a relaxing, fudge filled vacation is my job.  My wife loved Bed and Breakfasts.  If you ever been to one, you usually have breakfast at one table with a bunch of couples.  The first time I did this was at a B&B during breakfast.  For some reason, it was going around the table.  It sounded a bit like this.  What do you do for a living?  Doctor, Lawyer, Doctor, Interior Designer, Doctor… two more to answer before me.  Dentist, Archaeologist and now my turn. Am I really going to say Mailman?  With the straightest face I answered.  “Oh, I am the stage manager for the Rachael Ray Show.”  I watched Stephanie’s eyes widen. All eyes on me. Here is where I screwed up.  Tons of questions, but not about my boring mail job.  Luckily, I worked in Production many years ago and actually was familiar with the position.  So I bullshitted my way through some questions and then literally tossed out, “I really have said too much, I mean I signed a Confidentiality Agreement, I could lose my job.”  By this time breakfast was done and we decided to make our exit.  Back in the room, we laughed our butts off and I knew I was going to do this from now on.  So I worked for Rachael Ray, did a stint as a Lobsterman out of New England,  Officer in Charge of Safety for Nassau County Police Department, (I don’t even think this exists) built sets on The Walking Dead (Season 4) and once I was the guy who worked at the Lego Store building those giant Lego sculptures. So this makes me

The Most Interesting Man on Vacation

 

6. Buy Souvenirs You Never Use. I have shot glasses up the wazoo.  Shirts and hats from various locals.  I wore them once or they become my “I am working in the yard or under the hood of my car” shirt.  Hot sauces.  I use those.  Now that I have kids, I possess a ton of toys made in China that will be broken or lost by the time we get home. I have bought 12 Elsa dolls.

5. People Watch.  Okay, technically you can do this anywhere but for the most part you know the people around you.  Family and friends and neighbors are part of our lives. The fun is watching total strangers.  The reason is because you can make up their back story. Take for example the heavy guy wearing the visor with the fake hair.  He might own his own landscaping company in West Virginia and is going through a divorce because he had an affair with his wife’s sister.  One thing for sure he reckons Pappy would love him a new hammock.

4. Forget How To Use A Television.  When in the comfort of my living room or mancave, I usually have control of the remote.  I know what every button does, I know my favorite channels by heart. I know where the remote control is because it is usually where I left it the night before in my special remote spot.  On vacation, every channel on the TV is wrong, NBC is Channel 4 in my world, not 9, CBS is 2, not 3.  What kind of madhouse is this?  Why does the TV always start on the menu page.  Why cannot it not remain on the last channel I watched. The worst is when the remote is attached to the wall or end table by some curly thick cable.  Does Satan run this fine establishment?

3. Destroy the Hotel Room/Steal.  For the most part, we live like civilized human beings.  In my family, laundry gets cleaned and folded, dishes get done, garbage gets thrown out and for the most part the house is clean.  Clean-ish.  Hey, I’ve seen worse. So why is it after a four or five day stay in a hotel room, does the room look like a scene from The Hangover or Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas?  In regards to the soap and other freebies.  Is it considered stealing when you take them home?  Or is it when you search out the housekeeping cart and take some home?  All I know is we never run out of soap in this house.

2. Turkey Leg/Candy Apple.  Have you ever eaten one of these on vacation?  Yes, you have. Have you ever eaten one at home?  Not once, not even on Halloween or Thanksgiving.  Do not deny it.

1. Overpay for Everything.  My friend Dena actually brought this to my attention.  Only on vacation, you will spend $8.00 for a bottle of water when at home you can buy about two cases of water.  $14.00 for a balloon with Mickey ears inside of it which you have to eventually let go because you can’t take it on the plane seems perfectly rational.  That turkey leg was about $12.50.  Don’t forget to tip the maid.  My advice is stay home.

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“I think you’re all fucked in the head. We’re ten hours from the fucking fun park and you want to bail out. Well I’ll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation. It’s a quest. It’s a quest for fun. You’re gonna have fun, and I’m gonna have fun… We’re all gonna have so much fucking fun we’re gonna need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles! You’ll be whistling ‘Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah’ out of your assholes! I must be crazy! I’m on a pilgrimage to see a moose. Praise Marty Moose! Holy Shit!”  –Clark W. Griswold