Texting while Driving/Rant #1

Occasionally I will go on a rant, it might be quick or long-winded, but it will be filled with laughs, cursing, anger and venom.  It’s called a rant for a reason. Let’s begin, shall we?

Thanks to the advances in modern technology over the past twenty years, we the fortunate Earth dwellers have to deal with a wonderful thing called texting.  We all do it, we all know what it is.  It is so popular it has it’s own language.  Texting has become a legitimate form of communication in social circles as well as business.

Texting while driving your car on the other hand is the most insane and annoying thing that I have to fucking deal with every goddamn day of my life.  Seriously, it has become out of hand in the last couple of years.  Some of my friends will laugh and call me a crotchety, crazy old man and yes that is a definite possibility for my future if I don’t fucking die on my way home from work because some 19 year old slut is texting her BFF in her Daddy’s BMW and crosses the yellow line and hits me head on.

I have a twelve mile commute to work, so 24 miles a day where I can get killed.  Paranoid?  Maybe, but I can count on two hands how many people I pass or get stuck behind who have one hand on the wheel and no eyes on the road.  Hey look, I have a family I would like to get home to.  I promise my kids I will always kiss them goodnight.  People who text, put me at risk of breaking my promise.

You can see who these jerk-offs are easily.  You can find them in any lane.  Usually they are occupying two lanes anyway.  Look for he head bob.  Look at the road, look at the phone, road, phone, road, phone. repeat until done or until you hit a fucking pole.  My favorite move is when they are texting and the road curves a little and they react late.  Nothing better than being next to a douche in a Hummer who over corrects his steering to make you fudge your undies.  Another tell-tale sign.  Brake, gas, brake, brake, gas, look up see no one is in front of you in THE LEFT LANE, speed up then brake again for no reason.

Breathe. I need to breathe. My left eye is starting to twitch.  Ok, so maybe I am the minority here.  I drive a car made in 2015.  It comes equipped with a Bluetooth and hands free device.  If my phone rings, I can answer it from the steering wheel.  I can speak freely and my radio speakers act like a phone.  If I get a text, I get a prompt and one touch of a button, a computerized voice reads my text, which is usually funny when someone curses or is vulgar in a text.  Now here is the catch, I cannot text back, the function will not work as long as the wheels are moving.  I do have a choice through a screen to answer, “I am driving now, cannot talk.”  This is just me, I am one person.  It is a simple solution.

Here is another solution I have for people who text while they drive.  When I get stuck behind someone texting or see someone texting so much they are literally causing traffic and are driving dangerous, I pull up next to them and beep and look at them pointing at their tire.  On my face is the most frightened look on my face.  When they roll down the window, I scream, “Oh my God, your tire!!”  Nine out of ten times, they pull off to the shoulder to check their vehicle and I drive away, laughing.  Yeah I know, I’m an asshole right.  I’m okay with that.

“Anyone here a truck?”

“Take it easy driving — the life you might save might be mine.” — James Dean