It Puts the Mail in the Box or Else it Gets the Hose Again

This story is one for the ages.  If it didn’t happen to me I would not have believed it.  You would think being a mailman is a pretty repetitive, monotonous and boring job.  You would be right, for the most part, but there is the rare occasion that something wild or odd happens.  This is one of those moments.

It was a summer day and the weather was hot and a little overbearing.  I was delivering mail on one of my heavier streets. This particular street is in the shape of the letter C.  I am on one side of the street and walking around the curve and notice at one of the houses a woman doing some gardening.  I had only been on the route a few months and was warned by other carriers that there is a trans-gendered woman on my route.  I still hadn’t met all my customers and still hadn’t met…let’s call her Caitlyn.  It was also toward the end of the day and I was pretty exhausted from working and the heat.  If I remember correctly I had about 4 streets left out of 26.

Anyway, I approach the house and I see a woman gardening.  She is wearing jean short shorts and a tank top.  She stands up and turns to face me.  Nice legs, curvy body and very fake but nice looking breasts. My eyes travel up toward her face and  AAARRGGHH.

bill

Guess who I just met.  I hand him, umm, her the mail and smile and walk away.  I cross the street and start delivering to the other side of the street.  I turn and see she is staring at me.  I make it back to the truck and go through my parcels for that street.  This street normally gets a lot of packages and of course wouldn’t you know I have packages for Caitlyn.

At this point, my wife calls me on the phone and I tell her what happened and that I finally met Cait.  I tell her I have some packages for the house and I will leave the phone in my pocket so maybe we can here any exchange and so I don’t have to lose the call.  I park across from her house and she is not out anymore.  I grab the packages and head across the street toward the house.  She comes to the front door and meets me on the walkway.  In a very deep voice she asks, “What are these?”  I answer “Oh, just some packages.”  Now mind you it was hot and I was exhausted and it didn’t register when she came back with  “Ohhh a big package?”  As she licked her lips and stared me down.  Silence, then it hit me.  I chuckled nervously and kind of just walked away.  I get back in the truck and grab the phone out of my  pocket to hear my wife hysterical laughing.

“Holy shit, did you hear that?” I spoke into the phone.  Nothing but laughter on her end.  I start laughing and then notice Caitlyn is at the door waving an envelope.  I tell my wife that I think she has outgoing mail for me, I have to go back to the house.  She goes silent and I walk back across the street.  I approach her and I notice that what I thought was a letter is just a piece of paper.  She is about a foot from me and flat out asks me… “Hey mailman, you want a blowjob?”  Wait, what?  In a span of three seconds, I stammered, “Umm, uhh no thank you.  I uhh, thought you had mail.”  I turn and walk quickly back to the truck.  I start it and get the hell out of there as she’s waving goodbye to me.  I pullover on the next street and grab my phone, remembering my wife is still on the call.  I ask her, “Please tell me you heard that?”  She says no, the call was muffled.  I told my wife what she asked me and she starts laughing then says, “What did you say to her?”  I  said, “What the fuck do you think I said, I said No!!”  She starts laughing hysterically again and then I started laughing.

The next few days were interesting.  Caitlyn followed me two days in a row on her bicycle, just staring at me.  I had to report it to management just to cover my own ass, pun intended.  In case she ever said I did anything to her, I had it on file what happened.  From what I found out through someone who lives in the area, she is known to do this to construction crews and utility crews.  There is no doubt in my mind, I would have ended up down in a hole, rubbing lotion on my skin or else I would get the hose again.

KIDKNAPPED

Thankfully I am not a size 14.

So, still think delivering mail is boring.  I hope you enjoyed my escape from Buffalo Caitlyn’s basement hole.  Please remember to like, comment and share.  Most importantly click that follow button.

Your quote:

“YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT PAIN IS!”  Jame “Buffalo Bill” Gumb

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About Frank Messina

Just an average guy, stuck in a crappy job. A Dad, a Father, a Mailman. I like cars, food and laughing like a fat guy.
This entry was posted in post office. and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to It Puts the Mail in the Box or Else it Gets the Hose Again

  1. Erica Rodriguez says:

    You would make a nice lookin Italian leather coat.

    Like

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