Awww shut the hell up. As most of you know I work for the esteemed United States Postal Service. Insert your “Don’t Go Postal!” joke here. I have been with the USPS for almost 15 years. Of course, as you can imagine, this was a life long dream of mine. As a little kid, I had an infatuation with rubber bands and stamps. How about NO you crazy Dutch bastard! Actually, we have a saying here at the Post Office. “You don’t find the post office, the post office finds you.”
From time to time I will be sharing stories of life in the Postal Service. You ask, Frank, what could possibly be interesting about mail? Well, I am glad you asked. You see, the public doesn’t know or see the inner workings of the USPS and the many interesting and oddball characters that work there. I figure this is my job to let you know. Just trust me and keep reading.
So today, January 23, 2016 we here in Long Island are in the midst of a major blizzard. They are calling it Super Storm Nick Jonas or something. I woke up at about 6:00AM to find about a foot of snow on the ground. I layered up, put on my ankle brace and shoes and then my Postal Boots that slip over my shoe. No go. Now that I wear a brace the boot won’t fit. I need the boot to walk today, so off comes the brace and on comes the ACE bandage, then my shoe and the boot, Sweet, it fit. I have to be in work by 8:00AM. I finish getting dressed, making sure I am super quiet because my wife and two kids are still sleeping.
7:10AM – I leave the house, the door won’t open because of the snow. I open it enough to squeeze my 6 layered fatness through the door. Being an experienced Long Islander, I salted thoroughly the night before. So getting to my car wasn’t so bad. Quick swipe of the windows and I plow through the small mound that was plowed. I immediately fishtail, laugh maniacally and head to work. On the streets, I am averaging 10-15 mph, I make it to the parkway and it’s obviously empty. It is after all a Saturday and a FUCKING BLIZZARD! I am averaging about 35-40mph, not so bad, only a few cars on the road. Visibility is about a quarter of a mile. About 10 minutes in I see a bank of headlights in my rearview. Standard lights and a light bar on top. It’s slowly getting closer and I can see its the last asshole with a Hummer! There is literally one lane that is drive-able. So I inch over to my right as much as I can and NeedleDick passes me on the left. Crashing through the snow and passing me with about an inch and a half between his car and mine. That was a nice little heart attack.
7:40AM – I approach my exit and realize it loops to the right and raises on a slight incline. This means I have to time my speed correctly so I don’t get stuck at the top of the exit ramp. No one in front or behind me. So far so good. I exit and all looks good, I come around the curve and son of a bitch there is an Acura stuck at the top. Front wheels spinning. So now I am stopped behind him and at risk of getting rear-ended. He gets out of his car and I notice he is wearing Post Office outer gear. I pull past him and pull over, grab my shovel and run back to his car. it turns out he doesn’t work at my office, but it didn’t matter and he already called his office and told them he was turning back. I should have taken that advice. I get him going and get back into my car. I drive to the deli I love to get breakfast and coffee and WTF, they are locking the doors. Ok so let’s recap, Humvee, heart attack, good deed and now no fuckin coffee and egg sandwich. No breakfast. This day is getting better.
7:55AM – I walk into work and hardly any mail has arrived for us to work. Trucks are buried, the parking lot isn’t plowed and the janitor doesn’t show up until 9:00AM. Seriously, what business has the janitor come after everyone else shows up. I digress.
8:00AM – I punch in. I work what mail I have in my case. Our supervisor tells us we are business as usual. We are all going out and walking our routes. Still waiting to here from District for a decision. My wife is texting me non-stop, saying I should have stayed home and the office is split. Most do not want to “hit the street.” Personally I already have it in my head, there is no fucking way I am driving that piece of shit mail truck in this weather. It will be a treacherous day and someone will get hurt or worse.
The first call from District comes. Carriers are going out.
Second call from District. Sort all your mail and then hold tight.
A senior carrier I shall call Norma Rae calls our Union President and tells him what the situation is and basically tells us if we feel it is unsafe, it is our decision. Our safety is priority. Shit, even the USPS commercial says safety is their priority. Hold on, I got to chuckle a little.
Third call from District. Put up all mail and punch out at 10:00AM
Fourth call from District. Everyone punch out at 11:00AM.
Everyone screaming at the Supervisor, “Stop answering the phone!”
10:05AM The phone rings….. and rings… and rings. “Don’t answer that goddamn phone,” a voice yells out.
11:00AM We all punch out and go home. 12 miles each way through a blizzard for NOTHING!
I will end every post with a quote.
“Tell me something: how much mail can a dead Postman deliver?” –The Postman